Olga, a young specialty physician practicing at the Oncology Center attained Ph.D. degree in medicine and her prospects as a researcher were highly quoted. However, she was not, in fact, interested in continuing her scientific career; she could not find understanding with her husband; she habitually quarreled with her parents... At twenty-eight, Olga found herself in deep inner crisis and harshly denied her family attempts to bring her out of the blind alley. In short, she felt disgusted with her life until - however reluctantly - she made a discovery...

"I DISCOVERED A SOUL IN ME"

Olga KOSTYLEVA

It was my far cousin who brought me to that training - in fact, almost against my will. We hardly knew each other. And then, rather unexpectedly, she would be daily calling me on the phone and telling all those nice things about the Discovery.^* "It's wonderful, it's such a fun," she would say. And I just couldn't make out why would she keep coming up to me with it. I had a mass of messy problems - with my family, with my boyfriends. EVERYTHING seemed to fall out of my hands. And now, that far relative of mine was itching me day to day. Because she was ten years older than me, I couldn't just tell her to get off me with all her crap, which was exactly what I felt inclined to do. Finally, my family merely forced me to go to that training. I was so reluctant to go. I did everything I could. I refused to pay for it. "You want me to go, so go and pay for it," I would say. And when my father finally took me to sign up, I badly quarreled with him. So, that was my attitude when I came to the Discovery.

We went there by local train. Before the departure, we all gathered at the door of a train car and wouldn't talk to or look at each other. Everyone was oppressed by his or her own problems. And we didn't know each other. They would tell me later that I looked like I was going to kill anyone who dared approach me. The truth is that it was my general feeling by then. I was absolutely confident that 'a man to man is a wolf to wolf' and that bastards are all around me. I believed, the best I could do was not to let them 'use me'.

On the first day at the training, I was mad at everything around. I was mad at the trainer for he changed costumes and we had to sit there in easy clothes and socks. I was mad at some team observing us from behind; at all that was going on around; at all those talks about the meaning of life. I just couldn't make out what's that all about. What Jonathan Livingston the Seagull? I'd never read it. I didn't know anything and I felt a fool who'd paid her money for going God knows where. First day ended with the strong desire to leave for good and all. I stayed though. And in the morning I found myself surprisingly drawn in the process. I cannot say exactly when that breakthrough occurred. What I know is I left that training completely changed.

The key discovery for me was that my body was not all of me. Somewhere inside me there was something else - let's call it my soul. Before that I used to identify myself with my body - and nothing more. Maybe it was my earthly medical profession that formed such one-sided attitude, but I never thought about my soul before that. I used to deny the probability of the soul itself. I used to laugh at such talks. Spiritual queries never attracted me, and metaphysics looked like Chinese letters and complete nonsense.

After the Discovery, I experienced strange agitation for a couple of weeks. I felt like my brains were rolling. I wouldn't turn on either TV or radio, while before I used to turn my TV on as soon as I came back from work and enjoy Santa Barbara and other series till late at night. Then I changed my circle. My old friends began to look boring, and I found new ones. Of course, all of that didn't happen overnight. At first, many of my old acquaintances were surprised that I stopped calling them. They told me, "You look like a cuckoo or like a sect follower. Why all these discotheques?" And why not? Was not some music better than drinking alcohol in the evenings? Of course, the latter is conventional in medical profession. But this type of relaxation was not for me any longer. I attained a new level. With my new post-training friends I felt in much closer communion. We all felt that we'd been through fire, water, and brass pipes. The first training was in February, and in April I attended the second session. There, again, things happened that at first looked somewhat incredible. As the result, my achievements were pinpointed and strengthened.

Eventually I came to a decision that I would have to leave my job at cancer ward. It took me a year to carry that decision out. At first, I kept thinking, "What will I leave it for? Will I find another job? Will I like it?" I was used to live my life flowing downstream. Maybe it was because everything went easy in my life, and I felt like a schoolgirl. I never experienced any difficulties with things like writing and defending my Ph. D. script or learning a new language. Whenever an obstacle happened on my way, I would slam on it, I would crash on the closed door - just to prove that I COULD do it. That was exactly how I was admitted to the elite chest surgery department where I was the very first woman among practitioners. I had to pass some reexaminations, but I made it! The question is, did I need it? What did I gain with it? Looking like a man, walking like a man - and hating men deep inside, which manifested in being happy with every little flaw of my male colleagues just to feel that I was somewhat better than them. Usually I did not even remember that I was a woman. And my colleagues seemed not to remember that too. What did I need for? Was it my conscious decision? That kind of questions haunted me after the Discovery. As the result, I left that clinical department and returned to the laboratory where I'd worked before. Colleagues were surprised, and the lab director happy to offer me a theme to develop, so I could defend M.D. degree. But I felt no motivation to continue medical researches. The lab was short of ideas, short of personnel with at least some enthusiasm to do anything. Just collecting tissues and keeping them deeply frozen for years? What for? And just writing a dissertation to defend doctor's degree, which was my supervisor's idea for me, looked a boring prospect.

In 1997 I finally made a decision and was admitted to the Group and Family Psychotherapy Institute courses. There I mastered modern psychotherapies - NLP and Ericsson hypnosis - and at the same type, kept my job at the Cancer Center. Finally, my supervisor pressed and required that I either commence my dissertation or quit. And I quitted. I concentrated on my second education. Training in psychology that I had earlier received at the Medical Institute was not enough to practice psychotherapy. I needed more profound knowledge. And from 1998 on, I am a practicing psychologist.

I was terribly afraid to begin my new career. My first patient was a girl with a phobia to fly by plane. She was so scared to fly that when she took her seat onboard, she would almost die and experience sheer heart seizures. She first visited me two weeks before her next flight. I was terrified, "How can I help her in a few days?" But I worked with her all these days, then we said good-bye and she left. After that I was afraid to call her and ask how had she managed the flight. A year later, I met her - all by chance, at a music performance. She cheered me with, "Just imagine, I can fly, and it's such a joy!" And the stone fell off my heart. Now I know that all these phobias like "scared to fly by planes" and "scared to take subway" can be handled with ease. Unfortunately, most patients today turn up with problems like "unhappy with my life", and it takes quite a time to find out what they are actually "unhappy" with. It may take three or four months to understand. People's need for psychotherapy is high, and they come in scores. Women mostly, because they are more willing to admit that they have psychological problems or are unable to handle their situation.

The longer I worked, the greater was the change in my attitude to people turning up in my office. At first, I used to see only their shortages and readily labeled them: here's a "mother-seeking type", here's an "impulsive type", and that one a "compulsive" or "obsessive" and so on. I think, at first every professional therapist feels inclined to do so. But it passed with time, and learned to take everyone as he is.

Another discovery for me was that it was a great liberty to practice independently. When I just began my "freelance" career, I was afraid that it would strip me of proper discipline and I would stay in bed till noon, for it used to be my favorite habit when I was younger. Now I know that my "sleepiness" was but manifestation of my depressive energies. Now that I practice special yoga exercises, the quality of my sleep has largely improved. I sleep for four to five hours nightly, wake up fresh and have time for much more things to accomplish in my longer days. As for my free work schedule, it helps me manage my time better.

My present world outlook is best of all described with "I enjoy life" credo. Whatever it is, I enjoy my life and blame no one.

I can't say that all my problems are gone. Most of psychologists I know experience certain discrepancies in their personal relations. Well, even psychologists are humans. As for me, I have certain difficulties with my parents. Mentally, I understand that some things I do are terribly wrong, but emotionally I can do nothing about it. Professional knowledge and skills are sometimes inapplicable in our daily lives. Although some problems persist, my entire life has unfolded before me in a multifaceted pattern I never was aware about before. I enjoy talking with people. I learned the art of photography, and professionals highly appraise some of my shots. I have a friend who leads a belly-dance group where I attend. If someone told me a few years ago that I was going to take pictures and dance belly dance, I'd called him a crazy duck. At that time I felt I was a specialty physician - and it was all. Of course, professional self-identification is still with me, but it is very important that - along with being a practicing psychologist - I can think of myself as a human being, as a woman... And here's another thing I learned: When you feel inner dissatisfaction, you'd better move spiritually instead of just sitting and idling.