The roots of violence

Anna Vasilieva

We have addressed the problem of family violence more than once. Those articles were mainly about women – victims of violence. This time we suggest approaching the problem from the other side and try to analyze the factors that lead to the aggressive type of behavior in men. In our country crisis centers for men have not existed until just recently. One of them was opened a year ago in Barnaul. The first results of its work were presented at the round-table meeting "The role of men in preventing violence against women" organized by the American Association of Lawyers in October 1999.

The studies of letting loose one’s aggression in the behavior of numerous men did not show any direct influence of the social status. "Hard hitters" can be often seen not only among the representatives of the marginal layers of the population, but also among highbrow intellectuals. Psychologists suppose that the reason of this phenomenon roots in the myth about "the real man" weighing upon public conscience. One of this mythical man’s essential attributes is self-control, showing one’s emotions is a taboo. These qualities are cultivated in boys starting with the earliest age. If a crying girl causes pity and sympathy of the environment, it is absolutely unacceptable for a boy – he will be scornfully called "a cry-baby", and the label will stick fast to him.

The habit to suppress one’s emotions and wishes formed in the childhood often reaches supernormal levels in men. They are not able to identify them, not only on the verbal but even at the conscious level. The majority of the crisis center clients were deeply embarrassed by the question, what they were feeling before and during the act of aggression. They did not even attempt to understand the motivation of their actions. What was it – anger, irritation or physical exhaustion? This type of behavior is called by psychologists "sensory repression". A man is constantly stressed by accumulated negative emotions and unsatisfied desires. At some moment he needs to relieve the stress. Many men solve this problem by raising their hands on those who are patently weaker than himself. In the circumstances of the economic crisis the fear of not falling in with the "real man" stereotype is particularly acute. To lose one’s job means to stop being the family provider, the "daily-breader". To earn little means to be worse than others. The majority of Russian men are living under constant stress, many of them not being aware of it because they were never taught to tell others of their feelings and emotions. The problem of destressing, or relaxing, is less critical for women who are better developed verbally. Each of us can recall an occasion when the most desperate situation did not seem so bad anymore after a couple of hours talking to a friend. Men tend to choose the other way.

Typically the victim of violence is a woman who is ready to accept it. The Barnaul crisis center questioned about 100 women who were regularly beaten by their husbands. 90 percent of them fail to see real ways to change the situation. Not a single one of them has ever attempted to contact law-enforcement authorities. Only thirty percent of women sought help in medical facilities in the case of heavy injuries, others were just sitting at home and waiting for the bruises and galls to dissolve by themselves. 20 percent of respondents did not see violence as humiliation. In this context one of the round-table participants told the following story. A TV reporter addressed a woman who had had to spend several nights in an airport waiting hall because her flight was delayed. She was asked if she had ever experienced humiliation in her life. The passenger who was sitting on a newspaper in some cold and dirty corner did not hesitate to answer "no".

The beaten woman usually becomes subdued to the humiliation and tries to find excuses for her spouse or cohabitant. It is not for nothing that we have a saying, "He beats you therefore he loves you". A woman herself relieves her insulter of responsibility for his deeds. The clients of the crisis center usually say: "Well, he is the way he is, what can be done with him?" The situation of impunity allows a man to get used to the self-image of the uncontrollable aggressor. Typically he believes that the reason for his behavior lies in some outward factors: problems at work, his wife’s provocative behavior or alcohol. Such a man has no power to admit that his damaged mentality is to blame.

To the mind of the crisis center specialists, the first and most important stage in the work with men-aggressors is to teach them the reliable approach to their behavior. The client is offered a so-called scale of "expressing emotions dangerous to the people around" which he is to fill in. Then a lawyer explains what is the sanction for the things the man has already done, and what can be the criminal liability if he goes on the same way.

The next stage of therapy is teaching the clients to express their emotions, both positive and negative. Its final aim is to teach a person to perceive his true wishes and learn to express his emotions at the verbal level. The experience demonstrates that aggression can be stopped and not let out to the level of action by self-reflection. It is crucial to work out the model of impulse control of spontaneous outbursts of aggression. This model can be individual for each man. The round-table leader, Maxim Kostenko, told of one of his clients who found his own effective if not very original way out. When he feels that anger is overwhelming him, he snatches his coat and goes full tear to his garage which is just across the road. Fortunately, this scheme is working so far.

Usually the work with a client has the form of individual sessions. Parallel consultations take place with his female partner. At the first stage she is offered to answer the questions of an inventory called by the psychologists "the scale of mortal danger". This kind of work helps a woman to realize what can threaten her if the further course of evens stays out of control. The center specialists try to boost the woman’s inner self-rating, teach her reliable attitude to herself and her life. As a rule, the couple is treated by two different advisors in order to rule out preconceived attitude to one of the spouses. When both the man and the woman feel they are ready, they join the consultative session together. The center staff also practiced group therapy with its clients. Six men have mastered the course of 24 three-hour sessions which included communicative training, learning to behave under continuous stress and much more.

Along with psychotherapy the center staff together with the narcology institutions of the city try to free their clients from craving for alcohol and drugs. Though one should admit this kind of help is not needed in all cases – there are absolute teetotalers among the men visiting the center. To the mind of the center specialists, to stabilize the effect of rehabilitation one needs a 24-hour hot line which the clients could use to obtain psychological support any time they seek it. Unfortunately, it has not come off yet. That is why on extraordinary occasions the advisors give their charges home phone numbers, so that they would have a person to contact in a critical moment.

The participants of the round table wondered how the workers of the center managed to persuade their clients in the necessity of treatment. This problem is strictly regulated in the Western countries, such as USA. There a violator either takes the course of treatment in a crisis center, or goes to jail. What way does the center follow in our country?

The Barnaul center has achieved modest success so far. Over the year’s work they were visited by 18 men. The woman is usually the first to come. Sometimes she manages to persuade her spouse with the help of the center psychologist to seek psychotherapeutic assistance. Nevertheless, there were several occasions when the men themselves realized they had come to a dead-lock and contacted the center. Such impulse usually arises after the wife has got desperate and left home with kids by her side. The clients told that at that moment they were stunned with the feeling of crash and willed to do anything to get the family back. But one must keep in mind that as soon as the wife forgives her aggressive husband, the situation comes back to its ordinary ways.

The center specialists believe that the combination of repressive and therapeutic measures would be optimal. Several days spent in a jail chamber could make an aggressor think over his behavior. At the same time no man would go to the crisis center voluntarily if he is sure to meet nothing more than condemnation there. The staff of the Barnaul crisis center believe that one of the most important preventive measures is educating work among the population. The psychologists come to machine shops with lectures on the problems of male psychology. The center is also planning to republish a book by a Swedish psychologist Barbru Lenneer-Askelson «The Voices of Men» in order to hand it out to workers after lectures.

It is extremely important to give correct coverage of the problem of home violence in the mass-media. There are very few publications going down to the roots of the problem, but family beatings have become one of the most winning «lottery tickets» in the yellow press. It is always hard to find journalists who write deeply and seriously about the problem, but it seems the Barnaul center specialists are not discouraged by it. They have organized the first seminar for the local mass-media workers where the latter got a chance to have a closer look at the problem.

Today the center implements an educational program for teenagers «Getting the young people ready for family life». Over the last year the classes were held in four secondary schools and one technical school. The twenty-hour course includes the basics of social culture, the ethics of intrafamily relationships and questions of male sexuality. The classes are organized in the form of role play, talks, discussions of problem situations.

The boys are taught to ask for help, to take refusals with dignity, to build the strategy of behavior in one’s future family. The children are invited to model various conflict situations between a man and a woman and find the compromise. The psychologist put questions that make them muse over their sexual and social self-identification. For example, how the real man should behave, whether one could consider himself thus if he is insulting his relatives, to what extent each of them would like to answer the stereotypes of manliness accepted in the society. Great attention is given to emotional development. After listening to a musical fragment the boys are to paint the essential image of what they have heard in it. The psychologist also asks them to tell of some bright childhood impression.

To the mind of a specialist working with problem teenagers, Natalya Kostenko, parents could make their children’s social adaptation much easier if they had similar classes at home. It is of crucial importance not no miss the moment when boys start showing the first signs of aggression. After your son has had a fight with one of his peers it is best to speak the situation over, to make him express his emotion at the verbal level.

The critical role in forming the child’s personality is played by the adults’ example. The majority of aggressive men originated from families where father shared the same behavioral stereotype. A boy who has grown up without a father is also at risk to become a crisis center client. His ideas of real manliness are formed under the influence of the streets and mass-media. Such example is often far from positive. Besides, single mothers who are bringing up sons are known for excessive care. The process of self-affirmation of boys brought up by exceedingly caring mothers is associated with aggressive denial of everything female. This kind of revolt starting in teen-age may stretch over a number of years. Mind that similar situation could arise in a full family, if a boy sees his father no more than several hours a week.

At the same time, an emotionally balanced child could be brought up even if a father is absent, especially if the family is at least episodically visited by a man who can become a good example. A family friend, a relation, an instructor of the sports club or a school teacher could become such a person. It is important that the child would see and take in the model of responsible and mutually respectful relationships between a man and a woman. If you are bringing up a boy, teach him to help you around the house. He should see that there is no purely «female» work, dishonorable for a man. It is best if home work is done together by all members of the family.

While respecting the child’s individual space, one must not give him too much freedom. The boy may think that nobody needs him. As a result the child will either withdraw into himself or go out to the streets to find somebody who would understand him. Sometimes it all comes to a very sad end. Bringing up your son you should keep in mind that you are getting him ready for his future life which he must enter an emotionally developed and socially adapted person. It is essential to love him as a person, and not yourself in him. Then he will not just keep the warmth of your relationship lifelong, he will bring the same peace and comfort to his future family.

For those who got interested with the Barnaul crisis center activity, we tell its address: 656052, Altai Region, Barnaul, G.Isakov Str., 113e, The Regional Crisis Center for Men (for Maxim and Natalya Kostenko). Contact phone number: (3852) 35-8583. E-mail: govorukhina@socio.dcn-asu.ru