God, if you exist, give me the power
To see the truth beneath the sign (tablet) "paradise"

By Elena Monakhva

A short young man of twenty five is sitting in front of me. His frankness, his straight and honest look charm you. He took drugs for several years and has given up drugs only year ago. Andrei's revival started in the Physiological Rehabilitation Centre for Drug Addicts and Alcoholics. It was here when the young man began to think gravely about the spiritual basis of life, life's meaning, God and love. Here he was helped to learn how to rest and enjoy himself without drugs, how to get rid of tiredness and emotional tension. Andrei faced a strict and inevitable choice - either to die or to revive in a new state, as a new person with an absolutely different idea of life and his place in it. He chose the latter and his story about his life is referred to those who are ready to be cured, ready for a courageous act - to change themselves.

- Andrei, what is the brightest recollection of your past life?

- I've been taking drugs for too long to preserve bright recollections. Only now something new is opening steadily in my life. I work, study at an institute. I have a girl-friend, a family, a car. I'm a happy man. Now I value what I have quite differently. I think that sober men don't appreciate life. They don't understand that one can get into such a mess from where no way out can be seen. I am always aware where I have been and what I have found. And now I feel as a true member of the society. But I do not despise drug addicts. I am quite aware that only one injection (shot) separates me from them.

- Why did you start taking drugs?

- It turned out that in the circle where I was I had to prove myself, to win authority. If you were not like the others it was bad.

My father died when I was eight. But I had a mother and a sister. My sister is older than me. She is quite successful. She goes in for music, has her own circle of acquaintance. In my childhood I had no maternal love. I don't have such love nowadays either. We never kiss each other. We have only business relations. It has always been so. In my childhood when my mother was at home I tried to go out, could not stay with her. I always avoided her and hid from her. The street was the only escape for me. I was fond of being there. I wanted independence, freedom, wanted to do what I wanted and at home I always felt pressure. Since I didn't have a father I became responsible for man's work. I had to nail down planks, I painted the whole country house when I was twelve. Of course, I tried to get rid of the responsibility, but my mother made me do the things. If we had had a common language with my mother I might have asked her some questions but I didn't like being with her.

- Did you have any dreams in your childhood?

- I had a dream to earn much money, no matter in what way, i.e. I thought I was capable of anything. I don't know from where it came to me. I thought happiness meant just money. Though we didn't have money difficulties, my mother was very hard-working. She worked from early morning till late at night. I didn't want to be dependent on her. I wanted to have my own money.

- When did you start taking drugs?

- I tasted alcohol at the age of thirteen, but I didn't like it. When I was seventeen I already smoked straw and I liked it because there was no smell. You could drive, good thoughts came to your mind. I could think about life and I thought myself very clever. When I was taking my exams at school it seemed to me that I spoke very well and teachers must listen to my theories with delight. But in fact - all was illusion. For example, I felt an excellent driver and smashed the car. It only seems that you are super.

I was extremely happy when I took LSD. A happy smile didn't come off my face. I was ready to give it to everyone. I walked along the streets and smiled. But when the effect of the drug was over depression and anguish came. I was in such condition when I constantly needed a new dose. If there was no drug, I opened a medicine chest and looked through the medicine, then I phoned my friend who worked at the chemist's and asked: "What for are these tablets?" If she said: "Don't take them." Then I swallowed them at once. I couldn't live without being shot down. When I was sober I was slow-witted, but after taking drugs I became sharp. And all others seemed fools to me. They went to work, from work home - what a tiresome life they had! And what I had was life full of colours and pleasures! But it only seemed. I used drugs and felt that I was the hub of the universe. Higher were only the stars. During that period I got a job and threw it up at once. I usually went to work to sleep and nobody cared for me. But I set blame on everyone - nobody understood me, everybody treated me badly. All were skunks, rascals. And only I was good. I had a girl-friend who loved me, but I treated her awfully, I was unfaithful to her, rewarded her with venereal diseases, beat her. She forgave me everything, was anxious about me. And I thought: "What a bitch she is." Finally I left her and started to go out with another girl.

Then I started to use heavier drugs but was still scared of taking to a needle. All my friends were on the needle but I only smoked. It lasted for a year or two. But I knew that the time would come when I would shoot up because the dose the straw I took became enormous. The quantity of the drug I used was enough nearly for five people. Besides I had less and less money. And I started to shoot up.

I was interested in nothing but drugs - where I could get them, where I could sell stolen things, whom I could cheat. My circle was not friends but drug addicts. It seemed to me that all young people took drugs and there was no way out of it. The fact that drugs were for life was actively popularized. There were moments when I wanted to commit suicide. My life became a deadlock. Most of all I was afraid of the downer. I was afraid that when I woke up the next day I would have nothing to shoot up. Needle mania developed - I shot up on water only to feel the needle in my body. Drugs were all I had. They were my God. There is nothing sacred for a drug addict. If he is told: "Kill your mother", he will go and kill. But personality degrades gradually. At first I was ready to share my dose of the drug with my friend - I was ready to give him half of it, then I mixed the drug with flour, sugar and finally I told him: "I have nothing." Though I was not down, felt well and the man felt bad but I would still tell him: "I have nothing" because I was afraid that nobody would give me anything. The evil takes root there and you are ready to cheat, rob, kill.

- Did your mother know about your using drugs?

- Yes, she knew. She didn't take seriously the fact that I smoked straw. She would only say: "Don't smoke when driving, you will feel giddy". Only when I started to use heavy drugs such as heroin, my mother was at a loss, didn't know what to do. She said: "you'd better die, we'd bury you once rather than suffer so much". My sister turned her back on me completely and didn't take up with me for three years.

- Did you have a feeling that you acted wrong.

- I knew that I was acting wrong but felt that God had punished me for what I had done when I was 13-14. Already in the pioneer camp I already manipulated my friends, made them lick walls, beat them cruelly, tortured them, took away parents' packages, taunted them. At school I behaved in the same way. My schoolmates did homework, painted contour maps for me. But I punched them for them to be as meek as lambs. For girls I had no other words than "scum, bitch, belly". At the institute I passed all exams paying for them. I gathered money from my fellow-students and paid with their money. And I told them that I would bribe for the exams for all of them but paid only for myself. So dying of drugs I thought that I was taking punishment for everything I had done.

- Andrei, what helped you to recover?

- I believe in God and think that he heard me. There is an old church near our country house. My mother would asked me: "Let's go there. Let's go". At last I went into the church and asked "God, help me I don't know what else I can do. I'm in a deadlock". And he heard me, sent a man who gave me the telephone number of the centre and said that there was a drug addict who didn't use drugs after leaving the centre. I don't understand how I came to the centre. I went there for consultation thinking that I would listen to and tell everybody: "Go to hell". But it turned out so that I stayed. Perhaps I was bursting with envy: "How can it be that somebody can do without drugs and I can't?"

I was always bursting with envy. When somebody gave up drugs I tried to lure him back. If I met a man who said that he had given up drugs I answered: "Heroin can wait, the time will come and you'll take to the needle again." Or I thought he said that he didn't use drugs but in fact he shot up only on the sly. I trusted nobody, didn't believe that one could be cured of the disease. The most difficult thing for a drug addict is to believe in the possibility of recovery and take this decision. It's difficult to tell yourself: "Yes, I want to give up". If the man wants he will give up. He will go to the centre and be helped. But if he doesn't want everything will be useless. I wanted to recover very much. When I came to the centre I asked the consultant:

- "How long haven't you been using drugs?"
- "For three years"
- "What did you do for it?"
- "I went to the centre. Do the same"

And I did. If I was told: "Don't be late for lectures." I wasn't late. If it was necessary to get up early I got up even earlier. If I had been told: "Throw the sand over the wall it will help you" - I would have worked with a spade for the whole day. While staying in the centre I had only two telling-offs. The after-treatment program as well as the groups of support also helped me greatly. Even after leaving the centre I went on fulfilling different tasks, working at myself. I wrote my case history, life's history, described the mess I had made. It was not so easy. I wrote all to analyze the drawbacks I had. Today I've got rid of half of them. I understand it's impossible to become a perfect man but I gradually develop.

- Was the recovery period painful?

- Of course, there were unpleasant moments especially during the first week. I dreamt that I was an addict and was shooting up. I woke up and thought: "Have I taken to the needle again or not?" It was difficult to leave the centre. I was afraid that addicts were waiting for me in the street and they would try to tempt me to shoot up. But nobody ever offered me drugs and neither do they now. I'm not interesting for them. They don't need me. Of course, my past life had its traces on my behavior, habits, views. Everything doesn't change at once. The most important thing is to be honest. Be honest to myself. At any moment you must be aware where you go next - back to drugs or to your recovery.

- What's your life's meaning?

- I try to enjoy my life without changing my conscious mind. I like tasty dishes, I enjoy sex, enjoy having a rest. I prefer to go somewhere to have a swim. In the mornings I do my morning exercises. When the dacha season is over I'll start running at the week ends, because I've begun to put on weight. I don't use alcohol. People drink around me and I don't drink and I feel well. I've made one more discovery - I love my mother. I hated her, wished her to be dead because she interfered with my taking drugs. Not long ago she had a heart attack and I was crying like a child. I treat my girl-friend not as a sex object but as a person. Now I don't steal. I lead an honest life, earn my living. I don't care for money at all. I have the necessary minimum and I am afraid of big money. If I get a large sum of money bad thoughts come to my mind. A lot has changed in my spiritual life. I believe in God more than before. I don't pray in the mornings and I'm not pious but I believe that some power exists. Sometimes I refer to Him in thoughts and thank for giving me a new life. I know if I'm not pure and absolutely sober, then my achievements are doomed to failure. When I have a craving for drugs, and it happens, I start to remember, but remember not good times, but first injections and what I sank into , downers, constant vomiting when you are all wet and writhing with pain. I understand that one injection is enough to find myself there and I don't want to be there. I put small objectives before me and step by step try to achieve them. I've managed to do it by now and nobody knows what the future will prepare for us.