Love that supports the world

How can a woman be successful at work and in her private life? What is the woman's energy and is it worth rejecting this energy, what are the most vulnerable women's and men's points? - the psychotherapist Alena shares her reflections with us.

Recently women more and more often have organized their "safety zones" in form of different clubs, women's groups, associations. I have already been watching the process for two years and I come to the conclusion that it is due to the fact that patriarchal spirit have reached its highest point - there are only men in politics, there are only men in business. Once I watched on TV a piece of a round table reporting to which women who were successful in politics had been invited. And the questions that were asked usually were the following: "Did you advise with your husband when you went in for politics? How do you manage with your children? Do you have enough time to combine you business and private life?" I feel immediately bewildered: doesn't a husband advise with his wife when he goes in for politics? Isn't it difficult for him to combine work and private life? Why aren't men-politicians asked such questions? The fact of raising of the question itself imposes on the woman a kind of seconderiness - it is obligatory that she asks somebody for advice, turns back to somebody, justifies herself, even if she does something good. Is seems that she has no right to come out, to show her worth in politics just because of her own personal need. I think that the wish to stand apart, to create one's own independent area, one's own "security zone" is connected exactly with women's desire to oppose something to this coercion.

Today I watch one more tendency: women actively develop new areas - they begin to drive cars, struggle for survival, for success. And doing it they expand the "animus"¹ component of their personality. A bright example - Irina Khakamada, who is successful due to both her male identification and her woman's energy. It is very interesting to watch how she, while dealing with men, easily goes from the man's stile of behaviour to the woman's one and visa versa. This is the proper way for a woman who has decided to become successful in a traditionally man's walk of life. This is due to the fact that when a woman identifies herself completely with a man, her rivals defeat her easily. And when a woman turns to an intuitive zone of the woman's energy, they are at a loss. Unfortunately, this tendency is one-sided, because when men are offered to look at the female part of their personality, they reject indignantly the very idea of it. A woman can be the first and the second. A man longs for being only the first. And he very often fails just because he could not image himself on the second place. Problems and predetermination of his behaviour arise from here. The field where a women can play is wider and that is why I think she is capable of any professional activity, even the most male one.

But let's come back to the question of women's energies. The idea that the woman's strength is in her weakness is widespread. But if we refer to mythology, to images of goddesses, which were numerous in paganism, then we shall see that in all pagan religions the woman embodies power. Athena, Diana, Kali are strong goddesses, strong energies, embodied in women.

In my psychotherapeutic practice I often come across young women who think that taking down the responsibility for displaying this energy, constant conformation to a man are the core of family happiness. However strange it might seem, but in this situation the woman ceased quickly to be interesting to her partner. Do you remember how Raikin said: "Shut your mouth, silly woman, I have said everything." And very often the family life fails, and this is the price for refusal to display her own energy. On the whole I feel ironical at seeing the striving of some women for a permanent happiness and well-being. Firstly, because it is impossible, secondly because without deep feelings, caused by hard unpleasant situations, the woman will never become mature, will not open infinity in herself.

Once I took part in an American training and quite a powerful exercise stuck to my memory. The participants made a circle and those who had experienced abuse, incest, abortion, divorce were asked to come into the middle of the circle. It very often seems to a woman, especially when she is in despair, that she is absolutely alone in the world, and only she has faced the evil. And, when doing the exercise, almost all out of 18 participants came into the middle, the first impression is - how do we live??!" And the second one - "how much energy we have!". Despite the fact that each of these experiences seems final, and there is nothing beyond it, we go on living happily! The woman's life energy is like that of the cat's, that has nine lives, and at a certain stage it becomes our support. It seems that here is the bottom, and then one more under it, and one more… It is interesting for me to work with women just because they are infinite. The woman feels intuitively that there is something beyond the edge. you can call this "something" as you like - collective instinctive, experience of former lives of all wise women - but it is intuitively inherited. And in meditations women often meet some archetypical old women, displays of women's energies, which give them knowledge. Through such kind of deep feelings women reveal the richest emotional layer that contains a lot of aggression and energy.

This power may be both destructive and creative. And probably you'd rather ask the following question: "How can the woman learn to forward her energy?" In my practice I quite often come across cases of psychosis that is nothing else but energy, suppressed for a long time, which once breaks through and becomes absolutely uncontrollable. This is the same energy, with the help of which the woman "stops the horse, enters the burning house". Only in this case the woman knows what for she turns to this energy.

My strategy in my work with women consists in, first, teaching them to take keenly and attentively everything that is going on in themselves: in their own body, in energy currents, to make them understand the value of these processes, to give them the opportunity to display energy concealed in them and - at the next stage - use it in their lives, not to fear to display it freely and creatively. When the woman stops fearing she is able to achieve a lot. Unfortunately, different fears torture us - both fear of death and fear of life. What is interesting that these fears are different in men and women. The women's fear of death differs from that of the men's. For women, who are realized through children, the fear of death is not so tragic, endless and desperate as it is for men. For a man his our finiteness is evident, and it is the thing that determines the hero's way, who is striving to do something significant, fundamental, final. For women it is quite different. It is easier for her, due to her children, her future incarnation, not to fear death. Just because of it the woman is so devoted to her motherly role - it helps her to overcome the fear of death, it gives her hope . I'd say even more, the woman overcomes the fear of death through love.

On the whole, a woman's love experience is a very interesting subject. Since love is the true core of the woman. Unlike men, for whom it is necessary to acquire a habit of love to learn how to love, you needn't teach the woman to love - it is laid in her. Laid, perhaps, due to a more developed tie with the previous generations. The man can experience love without personifying the feeling, - he can love the sky, nature, himself, etc. That is why, men are likely to argue what love is. Such question doesn't arise before women - she just loves. And though the woman can experience a non-personified love - to the sun, the sea, nature, ice-cream - there is always a certain individual, whom she loves. From her early years she finds an object for her love: a mother, a father, a grandmother, a grandfather, later - a husband, a lover, a child and so on. She needs to experience love all the time. And the depth and concreteness of this love make her very vulnerable. In the psychotherapeutic practice I often come across such situations when a man, leaving the family, begins to treat his children coolly and at the same time loves sincerely his new wife's children. For the woman it is impossible - she always loves her child, wherever he is, irrespectively the fact whether he is dead or alive. It is a rule for her. The man is vulnerable from the point of view of finality of his being, and the woman - from the depth and concreteness of her love. Women very often suffer from realizing their depth of love, impossibility to express the power of this love, which may be all-absorbing.

It is very difficult for a man to accept such love. And he starts to defend himself, put obstacles in the way of the current in the form of different social restrictions, moral dogmas, which speak about shame, maidenly honour, pride, necessity to observe dignity. All these restrictions press down on the current, hamper it, they don't let it go. But the power doesn't disappear, it exists and starts to find other ways of displaying, and often becomes destructive.

Though, of course, you can teach a man not to be afraid of love. Tantric techniques that are more than two thousand years old teach that. Unlike the accepted idea that tantra teaches sex tantra teaches deep truly mystical co-experience - when people open up completely before each other, open up before the energy of love, which flows without fear, without restricting borders. Indiums religion says about the divine nature of this energy, grasping your body, soul, spirit - everything. I think one needn't invent anything new, one should only study attentively what was accumulated in the human experience, be sensitive to himself and not be afraid of love. Love has a very creative power, it supports the world. Not a world love supports it - the love of one woman supports the world! Since the woman is love.