«Today I have a real desire for life»

Мarina is 50 years old. She was born and grew up in Leningrad where she finished the Department of History of the Pedagogical University. She was working in a boarding school for orphaned children, but after she married her life changed sharply. Marina moved to Moscow together with her husband, but she never came back to teaching. She herself gives the following explanation of her decision: «I realized that I couldn’t work at school. Otherwise I simply wouldn’t have time for anything else in my life. Working at school means total denial of one’s private life. In the boarding school where I was working the kids were being so neglected that they were gasping for any warmth I could give them. I could not leave them just like that, and only moving to another city was some kind of moral excuse».
In Moscow Marina became a file clerk in one of the ministries. 8 years ago she found a job in the banking system. Then, in 1991, nobody could know how life situation would change in some time.

Corr. Marina, what made you change your occupation? Was it not fearsome to give it all a new start after 40?

Marina: Of course it was a hard thing to do. I was 42 then and was going to work at the same jump comfortably until retirement. I was well-off then, and nobody could expect the disintegration of ministries to follow. But I was always interested in trying myself in something new. So my curiosity played the main role, though I counted on the changing situation in our country too.
After I was accepted to the bank I could not make up my mind for two months. At my previous place of work we had some kind of social protection while the bank could offer nothing of the kind! Once when I had an argument with my boss he said that he could always find a person who would understand him better than me. To which I answered coolly: «Scarcely!» Maybe it was this kind of behavior that allowed me to make a successful career.

Corr. Many people repine at the changes in our country and would like the past to come back. Have the reforms played a positive or a negative role in your life?

Marina: I belong to the seventies’ generation. Our life was completely different from today. The thing that depresses me now is our vulnerability.
For instance, I can’t take a walk around Petersburg during «white nights», as I used to. But nevertheless I know by experience that changes help a person to find oneself. Like grief can clear a soul, hardships make you discover the inner reserves of some kind. It’s never too late to change anything. It seems to me that I would know what to do even if I lost my job now.

Corr. Who, in your point of view, can adjust to changes easier, men or women?

Marina: I am sure that women can do this much easier. A man who lost his job seems to have lost everything in his life. That is why he feels very insecure. For the other hand, a woman’s responsibility for her family predominates over her private ambitions. One doesn’t need to search for examples. When my husband lost his job he felt absolutely lost. If I didn’t push him I would still have him on my back. Now he has become a successful artist, had his exhibition in Manezh, his works sell well.

Corr. How do you define your priorities among responsible work, your family, numerous hobbies and interests?

Marina: The achievement of personhood has always been my highest priority. In my younger years I was fond of downhill skiing, was socializing a lot. We had many informal clubs in Petersburg where various people could meet: artists, sculptors, playgoers. To my mind nothing can be more interesting than a man’s individuality. I am afraid I was not a model mother. Only now that I got a grandchild I started to appreciate motherhood. Only now did I understand how important and interesting it is to communicate with a small human being. Unfortunately I deprived my son of my attention, and I feel very sorry about it now. But at the same time I was interested by the whole world and not just my family.

Two years ago Marina acquired a new hobby – painting. At first it was nothing more than shy attempts to express oneself on canvas, and now there are people who wish to pay good money for her paintings. For Marina it is in the first place a labor of love that gives her enormous pleasure.

Marina: When I do my paintings I hope to bring joy to my familiars and myself. It’s a pleasure for me to give my works as gifts to people who like them. It’s the best reward to realize that my paintings bring joy to somebody else. Though when I give away a painting I feel I am tearing off a part of myself.
It seems to me time and again that I am losing my time at my «main» work. I would like to devote myself to painting entirely. It’s just for money reasons that I keep on working in the bank.

Corr. Do you think that an artist can make a living with his art in our country?

Marina: I know a lot of such people, and one of them my is husband. But an artist’s earnings are very erratic. Today you sold a painting and tomorrow you could be on the rocks. Besides, with commercial art one has to consider the market and repeat oneself – there is no real freedom of self-expression. But all the same it’s my dream to make painting my profession.
Since the time I found my calling my life has been filled with new meaning. Today I have a real desire for life, a desire to do as much as possible.
Marina will have her first personal exhibition soon. She presented me with one of her paintings as a good-bye present. Her favorite objects are wildlife, flowers, and water. Her paintings are not limited by any time frames; when you look at them you seem to forget the hardships of today’s life.

Interviewed by Anna Vasilyeva