We Believe In Our Power!

      They say that Americans and Russians are alike by their characters. They may possibly be alike in some points. But in general, differences are more conspicuous than similarities; the things that are different include the relations between person and society, citizen and the state, parents and children, spouses, man and God…
      We asked our companion Gabriela Fitchett (working in the International Institute of Women, Law and Development) to share her observations regarding interpersonal relationship in the USA and Russia. Gabriela has been living in Moscow for three years and finds many attractive features in Russian traditions of companionship in comparison with her native land. Nevertheless we could also benefit from sharing some of the American experience.

Gabriela. During my first visit to Moscow in 1990 I already felt how different the interpersonal relations here were from the ones in America. Russians value their companionship very much and can dedicate much time to their friends. I like it and think it’s very important. Americans are too busy with their work, with their own affairs and don’t pay enough attention to their family and close friends.
      Unlike Americans Russian people are more open. I remember my first visit to Moscow in the summer of 1990. We were walking together with my friend Masha and kept talking and talking. By 10 in the evening we got very tired and Masha suggested having a drink. I agreed as I thought we would go to a cafe. But then it turned out we were going to her grandmother. I was amazed: "Why, it’s so late! And you haven’t even warned your grandmother that we were coming!" But the grandmother was genuinely happy to see us. Everything she had in the fridge was laid out on the table in no time. And mind that it was the beginning of the 90-s when Russia had serious problems with food. I was really surprised by such a warm welcome. An American would feel uncomfortable to come with such a late and unexpected visit but Russians find it normal.
      Generally speaking, we have to begin an acquaintance in rather a formal way. If you come to a party where there are many people you don’t know you usually start your conversation with a trivial remark, "How do you like the weather?" Sure one couldn’t start talking at once about one’s ideas, feelings, or sensations! Though if I got into my social set and met people who were sharing my interests, say on a conference on women’s rights, close contacts were established much easier and faster.

What is the difference between marital relations in Russia and America?
For me it’s hard to compare as my husband is a Russian and I haven’t any experience of a marriage with an American. I am very happy with my Russian husband – he is a man who understands me and treats me like equal. Me being a workaholic with a bunch of obligations and a tumid sense of responsibility, he has never restricted me in anything, never reproached me for spending so little time at home and working too much. Sometimes I feel awkward for not doing a half of the domesticities I have engaged myself to do. In America it is general practice to split the domestic cares equally between spouses and do your part if you can. This time one does 80% of work, another time 20%. And vice versa.

How different are the relations between parents and children in America and Russia?
In the case of small children there isn’t much difference. American and Russian moms and dads cherish the same hopes, both of them would like their children to be healthy, happy, and wealthy. Therefore the questions arising in upbringing are similar in two countries. However, while children are growing the style of their relations with parents changes. The majority of young Americans who enter universities live separately from their parents and make their living themselves. Parents can give their son or daughter some financial support; children in turn can help the older generation. But usually we don’t give money on a regular basis, it’s more likely to happen on emergency. For example, if one needs to pay for an operation.
      In Russia the economic conditions are very different, that’s why growing-up children have a different character of relations with their parents.

How did your parents bring you up? Did they interfere in your affairs or give you a free hand in your life?
I always felt support from my parents, they never pressed me or demanded that I should finish a university. Well, if I didn’t go to a university they wouldn’t reproach me for it. They just wanted me to self-actualize. To tell you the truth, my father wished me to get my education in Harvard University where he had been studying himself. But I chose Brown University and would not hear of anything else. After a time my father approved of my choice and was glad that I had made that decision myself.
      My parents gave me their financial support and paid the initial fee for the studies. But I must say I was a bright student and got a university grant for most of my course of study. When I got my second education in law school I studied at my own expense.
      We aim at success. My own parents brought me up so that I am aware of one being able to do anything he or she really wants to do. And this is the point of view shared by many Americans.
      The only thing one needs to realize his or her intentions is one’s readiness to work hard. It is, if you will, a basic idea of living for many Americans. We have such an expression in America, "Where there is a will there is a way." It means that if you have a serious wish to do something you will find a way to do it. Of course all people have different wishes: some would like to make lots of money, others want to build up a family. As for me, it was not my aim to get rich – otherwise I wouldn’t find myself here in Russia. I merely need financial independence. The main thing for me is self-actualization. That’s why I always asked myself the same question, "What do I wish?" And then I looked for the ways to achieve the thing I wished to do. I have never had a sense of any restrictions.

If that is a result of upbringing, then you are raised to be freer people than us.
We have a civil society. It means that every citizen of the state must abide by the laws of our society, no matter if he is a common man or the President himself. Americans are more law-abiding than Russians. Besides, we believe that we have a chance to change our laws and influence the political line of the country. Even a single person can change something. And if we organize ourselves into a group of like-minded people we are able to defend our interests through mass media, for example. Politicians should hear what we say, otherwise we will elect others. On the other hand, mass media allow us to control the power in a democratic way by covering its activity. It’s also not unimportant that the rights of a person in our society are above the interests of the state. We believe in our power!

Interviewed by Elena Chernomazova